Happy Birthday To Me
It’s my birthday today. I am older than Tom Brady, but much younger than Brett Favre. I am at that age when you really start to cringe when you hear about a guy who has retired because he can’t physically do it anymore, and then you realize that he is younger than you. I could be the father of a college freshman (physically, I mean. There is sadly one good reason why I am 100 percent sure that I am not, and it has everything to do with what it takes to make a baby – that just wasn’t happening back then), but putting him up for adoption probably would have been the right thing to do because I would have been too young to raise him. If I were an NFL coach or MLB GM I would still be young enough to be surprising, but by a lot of measures I’m starting to feel pretty old.
Birthdays are one of the few times when you can make selfish wishes without having to feel selfish about doing so. As such, here are 10 things I wish for this coming year. The realization of just a couple of these would make this one of the best years ever:
1. I want the Yankees to fail to win the World Series. I know that they are the most complete team heading into the closing days of the least interesting pennant race of all time, and that their payroll eclipses the GDP of most countries, but I desperately want them to falter. Who is more deserving? Any other team on the planet.
2. I want eight wins for my beloved Michigan Wolverines. I’m not greedy – I don’t want a national championship this year or anything (though, if you are offering…) There are six games, including the two we have already won, that are very likely wins. That means I only want us to beat two of our six more legitimate opponents. That seems fair, doesn’t it?
3. Ideally I would like for Nick Saban to never win a football game again. Knowing that that is highly unlikely, though, I would settle for him to have a disappointing season. I’m okay if he is still bowl eligible. I’d just like it to be one of those bowls played on a Tuesday night before Christmas.
4. After Marvin Lewis inevitably gets fired I would like him to get rejected for every job he tries to get so that he has to settle for something laughably ridiculous yet perfectly fitting – defensive coordinator at a 1-AA school, for example.
5. I’d like Theoren Fleury to make the Calgary Flames. He’s trying to make a comeback in the NHL this year after leaving the league six years ago at the non-negotiable suggestion of the commissioner do to repeated substance abuse issues. He’s reportedly clean now, and he’s as fit as anyone on the team. He’s alongshot , but the guy was pure magic to watch – think Steve Nash on skates. Hockey is rapidly becoming more and more grey and dull every year, and Theo has an abundance of charisma and raw excitement.
6. I’d like a Triple Crown winner. After so many years of frustration and heartbreak on this front, though, my expectations have been beaten almost into submission.
7. I’d like a year without labor strife in professional sports. Far, far too much of our time and energy is devoted to the business of the game, and not enough on the game itself. Every single major professional league has looming issues of one kind or another. That’s depressing.
8. I would like Drew Brees to break every single season passing record this year. I’m not a big fan of the Saints or even Brees. I just love watching the guy throw, throw, and throw some more. He plays offense in real life almost exactly like I play it on PlayStation, and until the last year or two I didn’t think that that would ever work.
9. I want Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, and Phil Jackson to keep winning the big ones. It’s staggering when you think you around to watch all three guys in their prime, and that it is all happening at the same time.
10. I’d like Charlie Weis to stay at Notre Dame forever. He’s exactly what that place deserves, and he’s a blessing for those of us that have to continually come up with things to say about sports – any time writer’s block hits you can just take a swipe at him and everything is suddenly better. Sometimes low hanging fruit is the best kind.
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